How to purchase a light bulb from a non-English speaker’s shop

Twist on light bulb

Screw on light bulb

I had an experience recently when purchasing a light bulb at a shop owned by a Pakistani who speaks very little English. Not only was I left amused, but I was equipped with some invaluable cross-cultural communication lessons which I am proud to advise you about today.

When I told him that I wanted a light bulb, he wanted to know which type. I told him that I wanted the clip-on type with the two small pins sticking out on top. All the while, I wondered why he was making weird gestures with his hands. After walking for a hundred metres or so, I realised that he had sold me the screw-on type of bulb with threads as opposed to the pin type that I had asked for.

How to soften the heart of a hard-hearted security guard

Mean stone hearted security guard

You rush all the way to the shop or to an office in town. Your aim is to make a last minute purchase or payment which is truly a matter of life or death. You have exactly five minutes to get there. You arrive with two minutes to spare but making your way through the after-work crowd delays you and by the time you arrive at the doors of your destination, the security guard has closed the doors.

How not to die from someone’s stinky breath

Who doesn’t know how disgusting stinky breath is? No sane person wants to be seated in a church pew, plane or bus and be subjected to someone with putrid remnants of last week’s supper in their mouth. I particularly loathe the stinky breath that does not originate from the mouth but comes from deep down the gut of a person, usually a hungry one who has not eaten in hours.

Some tips on what to do:

How to deal with an abusive public official

Have you ever been in a situation where you are in shop or public office and you suddenly find yourself at the receiving end of a stressed out or hung over shop attendant or public officer? Such uncalled for tantrums are common and can be most disturbing. Imagine when a reason as minor as cancelling a purchase or asking for help when completing a form, triggers a deranged outburst.

How not to win the parking lot idiot of the day award

Beware that your parking lot behaviour does not earn you this award

If you are prone to bouts of self-inflicted idiocy like I sometimes am, you have probably made the huge mistake of walking up to a car that you think is yours, deactivating the alarm system with your remote control and only realising when trying to open your car door  that this car is not your car! This normally happens (dare I use the word "normally?") when the car is the same colour as yours and more confusingly when it is the same colour and model as your car.

Such an experience tends to be not only embarassing but also extremely scary. Embarassing to the extent that

How to flush the toilet without touching the flush lever.

If you are in a public toilet and the flushing mechanism is that which requires you to flush with your hand, you don't want to be touching the lever with your hand. There is no knowing what germs and other microscopic creepy crawlies you might catch. Besides germs, there is bound to be some lavatorial residue on the lever left behind by the previous user. What then is the best thing to do?

How to avoid farting during a long road trip

For some people, farting in public is not a big deal, but if you are like me, you will definitely find it an embarrassing ordeal. Embarrassing is actually an understatement if you consider releasing a organic stink bomb in the bus or family car which leaves everyone in the car gasping for fresh air and becomes a driving hazard due to steamy windows. What then is the best way to avoid continuous biological malfunctions of the butt hole?

How to avoid a punch from a bearded lady

If you are walking down the street and the man in front of you drops money or a wallet or other valuable from their pocket, by all means be a Good Samaritan and alert them that about their loss. Stick to shouting “Excuse me!” Do not, and I repeat,  DO NOT shout, “Excuse me sir!” That person might not be a man!

Never mind if you have had a